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I wandered around to the back of the petrochemical plant where they’d found Mr
G                  Em C  D
Gwatkin’s jacket in 1974.   Sleeves turned inside out
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With a tin of sweetcorn in each pocket. The rumours surrounding his disappearance
G                   Em                C                     D
Are many and varied. Though we should for the time being at least accept the version of
G                         Em                 C                    D      G  Em
Events given to us by the lamentable chap himself on his eventual return.
              C                D
In doing this however, we must also keep in our thoughts
    G                  Em           C                  D
The findings of better minds who conclude that Gwatkin as-is no longer
G          Em             C D   G Em C D  G Em C D
Represents Gwatkin as-was.


G                     Em             C                         D
Piecing together an occasional vague sentence and some garbled chanting heard during the
G           Em                   C                     D
Small hours, it appears that our victim was making his way home from the Pessimist
G           Em                     C             D
Festival in Mollington when he was set upon by a gang of miscreants, the
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Chief malefactor of whom was a particularly vicious character going by the name of
G         Em               C                  D
Bridgedale. So called on account of a thermal sock with which he
G                   Em                        C                   D      G Em C D  G Em C D
Gloved his fist whenever he became tetchy and needed to punch somethink.


G            Em                    C              D
Unable to comply with the rabble’s hot tempered demands for unreasonable
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Things such as cathedral juice and vicar shit, the heavily pummelled
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Innocent was dragged into the churchyard of St. Lawrence and there left to his own
  G                 Em             C           D
Devices next to the grave of young Nelson Burt – whose own tragic
G                     Em              C                 D  G Em C D
Tale is of particular interest to the local historian.


G                          Em                C            D
It is believed that within twenty minutes of this episode, a further attack was witnessed by
G        Em                  C    D 
One Slow Dempsey of Woodside Farm, who alleged that he saw the
 G                   Em                  C            D
Aforementioned Bridgedale scuttle a full four hundred feet along the Wervin Turnpike
G            Em                      C         D  G Em C D
To deliver a perfect Haymaker onto a stray colt.            This afternoon I
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Visited Daniel Gwatkin in the confined place which he will probably never leave.
G             Em                C        D
I was offered redbush tea and a fig roll. The pleasantry gave
G                   Em                   C                 D
Hope for lengthy discourse but cheer was swiftly dismissed as the pitiful subject
G                          Em               C                   D
Proceeded to gaze out of a large window for what seemed like an age, before
G                 Em                      C             D
Turning around to fix me with pitch black sockets which simply said
G          Em C D    G                    Em C D   Am Em C D
“Help me”.            Then came the song:


G      Em  C          D            G         Em C D
Cresta!      What the fuck were we drinking?
G      Em  C          D            G         Em C D
Cresta!      What the fuck were we drinking?

G          Em     C                D          G          Em          C             D
I write to people, they don’t  get back to me. I write a second time, they don’t reply.
G           Em        C             D   G           Em   C          D
To ease the loneliness and pass the time I pace the room, inventing bands;
G     Em          C           D     G                  Em       C               D
Experimental trio from Borehamwood – ‘Hall, Stairs and Landing’: they’re really good.
G        Em   C            D          G             Em    C            D
Scott Verplank did not get back to me. Newcombe and Roche, still no response.
G         Em        C          D     G             Em       C              D
Congolesi Unsworth, Glaswegian Runes, the singer’s granddad writes all the tunes.


G     Em          C           D    G      Em          C           D
Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd. Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd.
G     Em     C            D        G Em C D
Uh-oh Chongo! It’s Danger Island!


G       Em C          D            G
Cresta!      What the fuck were we drinking?
      Em          C           D
Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd.
G       Em C          D            G         Em C D
Cresta!      What the fuck were we drinking?
G
Cresta!